See That Right There? That's My Last Nerve.

My beautiful, smart, eccentric, creative daughter.  The little girl I always wanted the Hallmark mother-daughter relationship with.  The young woman who I used to dream that would we would be closest confidants.  Is driving me crazy.  We've never been super close.  That don't mean I don't love her, that she isn't a big part of my world. It's just I don't think either of us know how to be close to each other.  Probably mostly my fault, I didn't teach her how.  How could I? I was never taught either.  There is an awful circle between mothers and daughters in my family. I've mentioned it before or at least alluded to it.  I tend to break it, but don't know how. I don't know if my daughter's personality/behaviors will even allow it to be broken.
My daughter has always had anger issues.  They seem to be getting worse.  Today she threw a can of carrots in a general direction at her brothers.  She was mad because her turn was past being over on the Xbox.   So in retaliation she picks up a can of carrots and chucks it hitting the video chair my middle son was sitting in. An inch higher and I would of been on my way to the e.r. to have him checked for concussion.  She claimed she didn't mean to throw it.  I'm big on people owning their actions/behaviors. If you picked up the can and threw it, you meant it.  Did you mean for anyone to get hurt or potentially get hurt? I don't know, but somewhere you had to know that there was a chance of that happening.
Can I talk to my daughter about her anger control issues? Only to a very small extent.  She has a tendency to blame everyone else for her actions. Again, I believe you're responsible for your own actions.  This leads to an argument which leads to a verbal fight and I get frustrated and have to leave so I can chill.  My husband can talk to her, it doesn't always usually do any good.  She knows what he wants to hear "Yes dad I'll stop" and is happy with it.  Then the next day she goes on doing what she wants.
  I want to teach her how to and when to stop and chill out and calm herself.  However she refuses to listen to me. So I'm thinking it's getting time to get professional help, a counselor that maybe can teach her.  I'm terrified that she'll hurt her brothers one day.  I'm terrified that she wouldn't have any regret for causing them pain.  She shows no regret now when she verbally and physically abuses them.  She told me the other day she feels it's okay to treat family like this.  She doesn't behave like this around people she doesn't live with.  Teachers, friends, other family members and everyone else say she's kind, compassionate, friendly.  So in her mind it's okay to treat those who love you the most like shit as long as you're nice to everyone else.  A lot of this I feel is my fault.  I shouldn't of let her have a relationship with her granny.  Her granny thinks it's okay to treat family like crap. Her granny thinks it's okay to embarrass and hurt the feelings of those who love you as long as you find it funny.  For example: the other night my daughter decided to start teasing me because I didn't have my teeth in.  I told her that I would like for her to stop because needing dentures in my early 30s is not something I'm proud of and I didn't need her to point out what I look like with out them.  She doesn't seem to understand that it hurts to tease others.  She knows what it feels like to be teased, she knows what that it makes you feel rotten.  However she seems to forget that when she's teasing someone else. Again, it's only the 5 of us she does this to.
Some days I feel like I'm at my wit's end.  I feel like though I love my daughter, I don't like her very much.   Time to go reinforce that last nerve because I'm determined not to lose it.