Doubt

A new semester looms. Last semester was pretty much a disaster of my own making. This is leading my to doubt my abilities for the next one. Again I'm taking a full load of classes. Honestly 16 hours doesn't feel like too much, it's the other things in life that overwhelm me. Two papers do this week, no problem. Work needs me to fill in for someone, problem. Laundry piled two feet deep in hallway problem (which also has me asking why this is falling on me because everyone that lives in this house is perfectly capable of running the washer and dryer). Everyone wanting dinner by 6pm, sometimes a problem (4 out of the 6 people living here can cook at least somewhat). Other various smallish things happening can be a problem. Most of these I can deal with or work around.

I took care of one problem, I put in my notice at work and will no longer be working prn. Hubby encouraged me to do this. I'm not earning enough that it's making a dent in our expenses. He's also tired of me complaining because when I'm at work I'm not working on homework, paper, studying for test etc. So one less stress to deal with. As for the other stuff, eh. I learned that a clean house and good grades don't always go together. Everyone here is old enough to pick up after themselves and help out more then they do. As long as dishes aren't left in the sink for days at a time and no one is complaining that all their clothes are dirty and what I consider the public rooms (living room, kitchen, dining room, hall, kids bathroom) are reasonably clean. It's all good. Bedrooms have doors on them for a reason.

This post is about my doubt that I'll do well this semester. I blew last semester, but I did well the two prior semesters. I know I can do well. I just have to do it. It just has me doubting that I'm going to meet my goals. Am I going to graduate in 2, 2 1/2 years? Am I going to pass the MCAT? Am I good enough for med. school? Should I continue to try and be a doctor? Or should I just work with the degree I'm working on now? Is this all worth it? Why can't I be happy with a normal, mediocre life. Thousands of people are. What do I hope to gain from this?

Merry Holidays

I'm finished with finals and with some I did great, some not so good. A couple classes I'm going to have to retake. It really sucks because it's all my fault because I cannot honestly say I tried. I think a few weeks into the semester I kind of gave up on them rather then buckle down and try. Hubby and I had a chat tonight and I'm going to try harder next semester. He was disappointed in me and said pretty much what I was thinking. He doesn't mind having to pay for classes again if I tried then failed. He knows that I didn't try though and it disappoints him. So I've got to buck up and get my head on straight. I'm going to do it, I don't want to feel like a loser.

So I'm only making one goal for this coming year. I'm going to write down a to do list every night before I go to bed for the next day and post it on my computer screen. So if I need to do such and such chapters, write so much on an essay, clean this room, and every day exercise a min. of 30 minutes it gets written down. This one thing will go so far with helping me with all my other goals that it needs to be the most important thing. I'm going to start this tomorrow (classes start in two weeks and I need to get to a point where this is almost a habit).

I'm hoping everyone reading this is having a wonderful holiday season with only the best wishes for a fantastic new year.

36 hours

In 36 hours (give or take a minute and a few seconds) I'll be ....32. It's starting to sound old. Which is funny, I don't feel old. I don't look old (or so I'm told). I don't think I act old (even though my usual bedtime is around 9pm...it happens when you have to wake up at 5am and put in long days of studying, working and parenting). 32, wow, it doesn't seem possible. I feel a decade younger then that number implies. I think, from now on, instead of making new year resolutions I'm going to make birthday resolutions. It seems better as you almost always renege on the new year ones. Instead of resolutions I think I'll call them promises. I try never to break a promise. I also try to never make promises I cannot keep. Needless to say I make few promises. So I'll think on this for the next 36 hours (well now 35 hours and some odd minutes) and post on Wednesday what I'll promise for myself. I have an idea, but I want to make sure they are viable and it's something I'll keep. No disappointment hurts worse then when you disappoint yourself.

Semester is almost over and I think I'm doing all right in most of my classes. Calculus is kinda iffy and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to retake Gen. ChemI. The others I'm sure I'm doing just fine in. I'm switching majors from Biochem to Dietetics. Still have to take Gen. Chemistry and Organic Chemistry, ugh. Anyway I think it'll go more towards the type of doctor I want to be. If I was heading into pathology, endocrinology, oncology then Biochemistry would be great. I just want to be a Family physician. I want to treat the whole someone, not just give them a pill and send them on their way. I want to be able to give them the tools they need to live a healthy life. In order to teach my patients I have to learn. I want to be able to do so much, I really hope I can get there. I'll be a good doctor, I know this in my heart.

Hey this isn't Chemistry

Yeah I know I should be going over my Chemistry homework. I was but in the middle of figuring out some Molarity calculations I got bored. Doesn't help I went off and forgot my glasses at home again today and my eyes are feeling the strain. So I'm sitting here at the UC killing time waiting for Calculus class to start, even though I may only go to 3/4 of the class. My philosophy professor canceled class today and my World Civ. class gets out early and leaves me two hours to kill. So far I've got one hour down now only one more to go.
My arms, shoulders, legs are so sore from working out yesterday. Yesterday the personal trainer took me for circuits lifting weights and 10 min. on the elliptical. I don't like the elliptical. She kept saying to just let the machine move you and don't fight it. I tried I really did. It's just not a natural movement for me. It's like bicycling, standing up, with no seat, except your not suppose to press down on the pedals. I did not like it one bit. The weight lifting, assisted pull-up(I think thats what she called it...we took a bar and instead of the traditional pull-up you stood on the ground, leaned back and pulled yourself to the bar...she said to do this 'cause women are not like men and are not designed to be able to pull up the other way). So by 8pm last night I was ready for bed I was so wore out.
Well back to Chemistry, these molar concentrations, molarity, moles are calling my name and my grade is requesting I go.

I love Wednesdays

Really I do. It's the middle of the week, Monday is behind us and the weekend is only two days away. Plus, to make even more perfect, I get out of class at 10:05 then have a session with the personal trainer at 10:30. Last week I left feeling awesome. In spite of getting a bit nauseas towards the end. Every time in the past week I've gone and done thirty minutes on the treadmill and left I feel refreshed. I'm looking forward to today. Even though I don't have my English Lit homework completed, ugh bad Jackie. I'll work on it in a few minutes though and print out what I do have and go with it. Anyway, I've not quite reached the water amount she wanted me to drink ( 2L or 2 smart water bottles full) but I've gotten close most days. My soda intake is still too much (I'm only to drink one a day and I've had one-two a day), I'm getting there. I feel like I should of done more but at the same time I feel like I'm just where I need to be at the moment.

Well it's Saturday. That about sums it up. Not a lot going on really, with Hubby working today it's kinda blah on the home front. I have someone coming from the funeral home coming by later, I believe. It seems I signed up for and won a living will, planning and some certificates for the kids in case the worst should happen. I figure it wouldn't hurt to do since Hubby and I don't have a will and I would like to have it wrote down somewhere what should happen just in case Hubby and I should meet with an accident. Especially while the kiddies are all minors. Basically the kiddies will all go to my baby sister and her husband and all our stuff thats worth anything will be sold and the monies divided up between the four children. Also with the living will, I don't want to be put on life support. Only exception would be if there was a great chance I would be able to come off it and live a good life. I don't want to be one of these people that I've taken care of who cannot communicate, cannot eat, and need oxygen and basically just lay in bed following goings on in there rooms with their eyes because thats all there is for them. That is not a good life. That is some family member being selfish, and I do not want to "live" like that. I don't mind having anything done that is temporary. I don't want my children putting a feeding tube in me when I'm old due to dementia related eating problems. Don't prolong my misery, make me comfortable and let me go. I'm hoping though I don't develop any form of dementia, but it's prevalent in the elderly. I see more 80-100 year old Alzheimer/ dementia patients then I see of those with all or most of their mental functioning. Of course I work in a nursing home and if your 80+ years old and still can function on your own you're probably not there so there is a population of elderly people that I can't add in.

Okay enough of that, it's depressing and it's a beautiful day and I've got a house to clean and get company ready.

An Odd Morning

At about 2:30 this morning DD wakes up saying she just threw up. Well thats just great as I have a Calculus test today that I cannot miss. So I tell her to just clean it up and go back to bed that in hopes she'll feel better in a couple hours. No such luck. So I decide well, I can skip my first two classes today and just go in to take the test. She'll have to stay by herself for about an hour or so but she'll be okay. Then I remember, crap I told that girl in my World Civ class that I would give her a copy of my notes from Tuesday. So I hustle to type up the notes and send them in an email to her. During this time 6:30 comes and my oldest son is saying "Okay guys its 6:30 we gotta go watch for the bus" I'm hollering be right there. Hubby calls on house phone and I tell him I'll call him back on my cell as I got to walk the boys down. Well between the time I hit send grabbed my cell phone, checked daughter as she had just thrown up again and went outside the boys were gone. It was 6:34 and they were already on the bus and on their way to school. I felt bad. I'm always down there at the end of the driveway to make sure they don't horseplay too much and get on the bus safely. We don't live on a busy street but we have some jerks who drive 55 or more in a 35 and don't like to stop for the school bus (Last week one idiot sat there honking at the bus as the kids where getting on, grrr. The day before another idiot waited till the kids had stepped off the bus, the sign still out door not shut, and just drove on by the bus. A neighbor kid (a little 1st or second grader) had just barely reached his driveway when the idiot did this. Timing is your problem not a child's if your in that much of a damn hurry then maybe you need to get around sooner.) Anyway I felt bad I didn't make it down there to wait with them. I'm glad they're responsible enough, but they're kids and play around too much if they have to wait very long.

So here I am doing some last minute studying (well about to do anyway) for Calculus test and hoping the girl in my class checks her college email. Hoping daughters stomach ache and vomiting goes away soon.

On another note. My first meeting with the personal trainer went great yesterday. First was a 20 minute fast-paced walk on the treadmill. Then we did some core training (hip tilts, superman's on hands and knees and then again on belly, dips, squats using a ball and the wall, assisted push-ups (push-ups while laying the ball), a couple types of crunches, some other exercise where you lay on the floor and lift your butt up, did this with one leg crossed over the other as well. Started to do some wall exercises where you stand about 6-12 inches from the wall put the back of your hands against the wall (leaning shoulders against the wall) and push off with hands remaining against wall. I did a few of these but then started to feel super nauseous. So the last few minutes had me laying on the floor with my feet up so that I didn't faint or vomit. The trainer said I did great though and she's really nice so I'm looking forward to my next meeting with her. I'm going to try to do some of the exercises we did yesterday today. I'm only allowed one soda, or sweet tea a day and have to drink about(at least) 2L of water a day. Friday after class I'm going to go and spend 20-40 minutes walking on the treadmill (she said not to run just yet. Just a brisk walk will do, just to get my heart rate up to 130-160 bpm). I'm excited and thinking why haven't I done something like this sooner. Everyone smiles at the gym, no one seems to judge (even though everyone I've seen is fit and healthy looking). I feel more comfortable then I thought I would.

...One Giant Leap for Me

Okay so the college has this deal called Fitness Framework. You sign up for only twenty dollars and you get to have 4 one hour sessions with a personal trainer. This is an incredible deal and since I figured I would be silly not to take advantage of and had been planning on starting going to the college's gym a couple times a week anyway, I signed up. Today I go in for my free fitness assessment. Where they check body fat, body composition, flexibility, cardiovascular, strength, and blood pressure. I'm kind of nervous about this. Silly, I know. It's not like it's a test that I'll be graded on and have to worry about how it will affect my g.p.a. Still, having some strange guy (who looks hunky in his picture) judging how fat and out of shape I'm in is nerve wracking. That's the whole point of this though. I am fat and out of shape and want, no NEED to do this in order to be happier with myself and healthy for myself and my family. After today the guy who runs the program will hook me up with one of the personal trainers and then we design a workout plan to help me with my fitness goals. It'll be awesome and much better once the damn butterflies in my stomach go away.

Not so Happy Tuesday

Just found out that a friend/coworker has lost her husband of only 5 months. I don't know the details yet but it's incredibly sad. He leaves behind his wife and a daughter who is around 10 ( I think) then my friend also has two children of her own from a previous marriage. I can't even begin to know what she's going through. I'm not even sure how I would react if it was my hubby. Not well, probably.

My thoughts are with her and their family. I hate situations like this because there's nothing you can say or do and "I'm sorry" just sounds so wrong.

Well now to go to lighter things, My middle son has a ball game tonight so I've got to try and squeeze in homework, housework and dinner by 6:30. Schools going okay, I kinda feel like I'm standing on a precipice and going to fall anytime. I'm just staying up with my homework when I want to be ahead. There is so much going on around here and it seems like I have to be everywhere all at once. I'm glad there's only two more weeks of baseball left...unfortunately that's also the time my daughters choir stuff starts up. Hubby is going to have to suck it up and start taking them more or cooking dinner or something when I take them. I can't take much of this "I'm tired you'll have to take them" stuff. He's not the only one who's been sick and tired lately. He should know, I'm the one who gave him the darn cold/flu thing and is still trying to hack up a lung. I wish, sometimes, that I could get away with being a baby like men can.

Oh I got some wood carving stuff, now to find some wood to carve on. I love working with wood, but haven't been doing it much lately. I'm hoping to pick it up again once I find some spare time. Does anyone have any spare time laying around they could give me?

Updating

Well I did OK on the Ultrasimple diet even though I didn't really finish the week out. I caught a cold on that Thursday as ya'll know and it just got worse over the weekend. I'm almost over it just a nagging cough that's hanging around. Even though I missed the last few days I still lost 9lbs and now that I'm starting to feel better my energy level is slowly going up and I want to do more, I don't just feel like doing more I actually want to get up and do it. That's big for me 'cause I'm one of the world's worst procrastinators. Now finding the time to do more may be different. I want to do another week, but I'm waiting till I get the book. I did the first week based on Dr. Hyman's website but I feel like I missed something. I read on the website's forum that some people started taking the lemon/oil shot and then got to a point where they just couldn't do it anymore. They suggested that since the shot is suppose to be a liver detox, maybe the not being able to drink it anymore was their bodies way of telling them that it was good. I like to believe that 'cause I just got to where just the thought was making me gag. At first I didn't think it was so bad.

Some pluses from doing the Ultrasimple diet have been:

1. 9lb weight loss
2. 2.5 inches off my belly and hips
3. lost craving for soda (I actually tried to drink a Mountain Dew yesterday and just couldn't do it. It tasted slimy and thick and way too sweet).
4. Less cravings for sweets ( I'm able to satisfy it with fruit or just a small bite of something sweet)
5. Reduced appetite (I'm only able to eat about half as much as I was. I'm stopping when I realize that I'm not hungry anymore and before I get that too full feeling).

I'm also reading Dr. Hyman's Ultrametabolism book. It's very interesting and I'll summarize some of it once I get it all read. When I do the diet again I'm going to make time for the yoga and workouts. I admit I didn't really do that too well.

Okay now on the school front...

My classes seem all right so far. I have a couple strict teachers but I can handle that. I had a pre-test on Wednesday in my Gen. Chemistry class. The professor said that if you didn't get at least 8 points he suggests that you go in the next lower class. Well I got 6. Not so good but I don't think I'll take his advice. I really don't want to retake an Intro to Chemistry class. I'll take this quiz as a sign that I'm going to have to study 3x as hard in order to make it. It's been quite a while since my last Chemistry class and I have forgotten some of the math. When it comes to math, though, it usually comes back to me quickly as I do it. So I have to study harder in order to keep up. I just want the opportunity to try. So I hope he doesn't bring it up. He said that some people (like 40%) do pass with a C or higher that make lower then 8pts. I think I can be in that 40. I know I can. Speaking of Chemistry I need to get off of here so I can go finish reading chapter one for class tomorrow and read some more of Antigone for Lit. tomorrow.

Day 5 and Beginning Day 6

Well yesterday was OK but I felt the beginning of a cold coming on. So I took an extra vitamin C and hoped for the best. I'm so tired of lemon juice and the lemon/olive oil shot every morning. I woke up with some bad sinus pain this morning. I don't think it's due to the detoxing, I think it's more a result of the cold symptoms I had yesterday. Since I feel so bad I just couldn't bring myself to drink the lemon juice/olive oil. I think some green tea and the recipe for tofu scramble is the thing this morning. I'm down another pound and about 1/2 an inch. I noticed the jeans I put on this morning fit much better then they did the last time I wore them. I'm doing well so far...not doing the diet 100% but pretty close. Right now I'm thinking of going one more week (to kinda make up for the slip ups this week) and then start adding foods back in. My caffeine withdrawal symptoms are all gone though I still have some junk food cravings.

Well lots to do today. Have to get a tire and an oil change then to the campus bookstore to get books and supplies for class next week. Then this evening we are going to go see the Memphis Redbirds game. Should be fun.

Day 3 and Start of Day 4

Well good news is so far I've lost almost 5 pounds and 2 inches around my belly and hips. I'm tired of the lemons (just the thought makes me shudder) but I go on. I just realized my caffeine headache is finally gone. Maybe now I'll start getting the increased energy the book says you'll have. I'm not hungry but am fighting soda and sugar and junk food cravings (buying the family McDonald's just about did me in last night). Hopefully those craving will soon fall by the wayside and I can really start enjoying this diet. Well this is a quick post as I'm going to whip up a quick hummus to eat for lunch at work today. Kinda tired of just rice and broth so today I think it will be carrot and celery sticks, hummus and broth. Still loving the Ultrashake...even if I did make it kinda thick this morning so have to use a spoon to eat it. Have a great hump day everyone.

Day Two

Day two of the Ultrasimple diet finds me tired. I have a bit of a headache (probably caffeine withdrawal) and cravings for soda and sweets. I'm trying to keep going and made some Ultrabroth (which isn't as bad as I had originally thought). I'm down 1lb but inches are the same. Well it's off to bathe and bed.

Uh Yeah...

I may of told some friends and coworkers (and hubby) that I wasn't going to do another diet for a while because I was tired of trying to pay attention to what I could or could not eat. Well that lasted a week. Starting today I'm doing Dr. Mark Hyman's Ultrasimple Diet. It's only 1-3 weeks long (well if you add in the prep week then it's a bit longer, but I didn't do a full prep week). It's restrictive the first week, very restrictive. No coffee, no sugar, no dairy, no gluten (wheat), no beef. Basically the Ultrashake (which is yummy) and the Ultrabroth (meh it's a veggie broth), rice, chicken and certain kinds of fish, lots of veggies and fruits and some nuts/seeds and 3 types of legumes. It can be filling and tasty it's just not very exciting. It's basically a detox diet after the first week you can start adding foods back and then figure out which ones work with your body and which ones work against you. So first day has not been bad. Doing the 20 min Ultrabath was difficult as I'm not much of a bath person. Hubby asked if I was marinating myself. I have a slight headache but I think that's due to lack of sleep last night due to a storm going through around midnight. I was worried I would have a caffeine withdrawal headache but I think the two cups of green tea I'm allowed kept that away.

Well off to bed and then to work in the morning.

I'm ready

• I'm ready for classes to start (well except I still have to buy textbooks and school supplies...mentally I'm all prepared)
• I'm ready for life to slow down a bit so I can catch up.
• I'm ready for my kids to finally start doing as I ask (yep, that's gonna happen)
• I'm ready for my work hours to cut back so I can concentrate on getting ready for school.
• I'm ready to be able to go to Zumba again (between work and baseball games I've just not had the time).
• I'm ready for a change, any change (I just have a feeling some changes are coming).
• I'm ready to hear the doctors FINALLY know why my little nephew is so sick so much.
• I'm ready to have the education so I could know why my little nephew is so sick (he is too 'cause Aunt Jackie is suppose to fix things )
• Right now I need to get ready for the day, including getting all the kiddies up.

Hope everyone has a fantastic Monday and a wonderful week.

Slowly but surely

I've been to five Zumba classes now. I'm feeling more fit and like I have more energy. I've lost 3lbs and I like the classes. I don't feel embarrassed that I can't quite do the steps right. I don't feel embarrassed that I'm a bit chubby. It's a very small class (usually only 2-3 other women not counting the instructor) and all are really friendly. Unfortunately this week I'll miss my Monday class because of work. I should make the Wednesday one and I'm going to try and go to the kick boxing class on Thursday to make up for Monday. I'm only sorta doing the Genotype diet this past couple of weeks due to finances not being able to let me go and buy the sorta foods I need for it. I'm just having to make do with what we have in the freezer and pantry. Which is fine, I'm trying to balance out foods that are bad for me with foods that are super good for me. I may eat like crap one day, but for the next couple days I'll try hard to eat very good. Still I'm only like 40% compliant and that's not enough to see any results. I'll do some grocery shopping and meal planning next weekend and get that on track though. I feel as I'm getting somewhere health/body wise right now. I feel fitter even though I haven't lost any real weight/inches. That will come along shortly I'm sure. A lady I work with said she was thinking about taking up tennis and I may see about that. It would be fun and another workout. I could do it while my middle son was at his baseball practices. Or after Zumba class while her son was at football practice, either way would work.

Genotype Diet...I'm a Gatherer

Well I finally took the time to take my measurements and figure out which genotype I am according to Dr D'adamo's book the Genotype Diet. By just reading the descriptions I had always thought I would be a Warrior type...but lo and behold I'm a Gatherer. Now that I reread the descriptions I could see that.

A Gatherer has :

• phenomenal capacity for prolonged and concentrated brain work (must be why I like school so much)
• "Algorithmic" mind-set: natural-born problem-solver
• "Early adopter" of new and revolutionary ideas
• Sweet-natured with a tendency toward emotional "highs and lows" (those who know me know this is true)
• "Exercise-challenged" (wonder if this is a nice way to say lazy).
• endomorphic body type: always looks "padded" even when at proper weight (yep this would be true...always had hips and a booty even at 112lbs,my lowest weight)
• blood type O or B (type O check)
• Mostly Rh-positive (yep, I'm positive...I mistakenly said neg earlier...but my oldest son is a neg Rh type so maybe that's what I was confused with...i looked it up on my records so fix that, lol)
• high estrogen levels (must be why I have those emotional highs and lows, huh)

Superstar Gatherers

• Oprah Winfrey
• Orson Welles
• Marilyn Monroe
• Elvis Presley

Slogan

• "Whoever dies with the most wins." (honestly I could see this since I grew up with next to nothing and want to live comfortably and looking at the superstar gatherers they were the same way, grew up dirt poor and gathered wealth as they got older)

Strengths to count on

• terrific mental endurance
• Highly motivated
• Fertility- male and female (yup with four kiddies I would say I got this down pat)
• Potential to age well (working on this one)

Weaknesses to Watch out for

• Gatherers are unsuccessful crash dieters with a strong tendency to store calories as fat.(unfortunately I see this too...but now I can learn how to fix it)
• Appetite regulation can be a problem (yep I either forget to eat or end up not being able to stop eating no happy middle)
• Elevated estrogen sensitivity can stimulate hormonal cancers.
• Accumulation of damaging chemicals in tissue can lead to diabetes, hbp, Alzheimer's.

Health Risks

• Alzheimer's
• Depression
• High Blood Pressure
• Insulin resistance and diabetes
• Low thyroid activity
• Obesity
• Reproductive cancers with advanced age

The food part confuses me as parts of it are contradictory to the type O Blood type diet. For example; I should avoid chicken for 3-6 months which was a neutral. I will be able to add coffee (like I would ever completely take it out) after 3-6 months and this was an avoid in BTD. Being able to eventually add in goats milk is a plus and soybean products being an avoid is a plus as I don't like the flavor of them. From what I've read on Dr D'adamo's website is not to compare the two diets but see them as separate eating/health plans. Genotype diet is suppose to be more personal then the BTD. But if you find the BTD diet works better then use it as some people do better on one then the other. He's more for (from what I've noticed) people taking control of their health and eating in a way that benefits their specific type not using a one-diet-fits-all strategy.

Well it doesn't hurt to give it a shot...so I think I'll start today and give it six weeks to see how I feel afterwards. If I've lost weight and have more energy then I'll keep it up..if not then I'll go with BTD which is a hard diet to follow(not because of the restrictions but because of the cost of the foods that you should eat...ever seen the price of spelt flour, ridiculous).

If anyone wants more info check out Dr. D'adamos website .

Gluten free Brownies

Hubby was asking for brownies tonight. I thought it sounded good since I have a sweet tooth as well, but beings as I'm doing the blood type diet and getting ready to include aspects of Dr D'adamo's Genotype as well (just as soon as I do the measurements and figure out my genotype...I think I'm leaning towards Warrior, but will let ya'll know later). Anyway this means no wheat, dairy or corn products. Luckily there are a million gluten-free products and recipes and most are acceptable with my diet. So tonight I found a brownie recipe that I can make work and will share.

It's not done baking yet so I can't share the end result...but tasting the batter and it tasted really good all chocolaty and banana-y.

This is an adaption from Emeril's Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free Brownie recipe

Ingredients:

Vegetable spray or Smart Balance for greasing pan(I used plain old canola oil)

1 3/4 cups applesauce

1 1/2 cup cocoa powder

3/4 teaspoon salt

2 1/2 cups sugar

2 mashed banana

2 eggs

2 1/2teaspoons vanilla extract

1 2/3 cup gluten-free flour (I used a mix of 1:1 soy and brown rice flours...don't really like the taste of soy flour but it was all I had and might as well use it up..and I was afraid that using just brown rice flour would of left too gritty of a product. Emeril's recipe calls for just brown rice flour)

2 cups chocolate chips (Emeril's recipe calls for vegan chips, but we're not vegan so it's not something I keep around the house...carob chips would probably be good though and more in agreement then reg. chocolate chips for my diet...I think a trip to Whole Foods may be in order soon).

• Preheat oven to 350º F.
• Grease an 9x13 pan
• In a large mixing bowl, combine all remaining ingredients. Pour mixture into prepared pan.
• Bake for 35 to 40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the middle of the pan comes out clean.
• These brownies are dense and fudgey.

Almost time

Class starts 8:55 am sharp Monday morning. I'm so anxious right now. I asked for prn/part-time at work. I just don't think there's anyway that I can hack working 11p-7a 5 days a week then driving 45 minutes to class M-F sitting in classrooms from 8:55 to 12:30 then driving home to finally find some sleep. Then doing homework, eating, family time and back to work at 11pm. I'm exhausted just doing work and home right now. I average about 5 hours a day of sleep during work days. It would be fine if it was 5 hours straight, but it's 3 and a half to 4 hours here and another hour or so there. I do not want to fall asleep at the wheel driving the about 45 minute commute to and from the campus. I do not want to fall asleep during class(especially during the the summer semester...the classes are truncated and fast-paced to fit a 3 month class into 5-6 weeks). So when it comes to making a choice there really isn't one. Work has to go. We can live off Hubby's income. Won't like it, but it's doable.

I'm half afraid that I just got myself laid off in the asking though. New D.O.N. is on a power trip and it's not taking much for her to fire people. She just fired one nurse for taking a smoking break. Said nurse had hall covered, not her fault the CNA covering lights was busy with a resident the second the D.O.N. decided to take a stroll up the hall. According to the nurse the D.O.N. started screaming at her and acting very unprofessional. While I'll miss the paycheck a little, I did sign up for work study at the college. So I'll have some extra income to help with expenses this fall. Just gotta make it through summer.

Speaking of making it through the summer. My Spanish teacher just emailed us the class syllabus. I had to pay 88 dollars for two passcodes for the site the book publisher uses with the books. Apparently 80% of our homework is going to be done on this site. We are to avoid speaking English in class. My high school Spanish is very rusty (practically non-existent). This class should be fun. Nice thing is our final is only going to be 25% of our total grade. I've had worse and passed. I'm looking forward to the challenge.

Wordless Wednesday

for more Wordless Wednesdays go HERE.

Counting Down

• 1 and a half days till kiddies are out for summer break
• 13 days till my summer classes start
• 13 days till my baby boy turns 9
• 18 days till kiddies go to grandparents house for annual summer visit
• 38 days till I pick kiddies up from grandparents house
• 48 days (or so) till finals for summer classes
• 74 days till kiddies go back to school
• 98 days till fall semester for me
• 1,460 days(approximately) till I graduate with a bachelor's degree
• 1,825 days(approximately) till oldest son graduates high school
• 2190 days (approximately) till dear daughter graduates high school
• 2,920 days(approximately) till I graduate med school
• 2,920 days (approximately) till middle son graduates high school
• 3,650 days (approximately) till I finish residency and can call my self doc
• 3,650 days (approximately) till youngest son graduates high school

Well, I think I almost have everything squared away for summer semester. I'm just waiting on the financial aid office to finish up their end so I can do mine and hopefully have it all ready by the due date Friday. I'm excited and nervous about going this summer. I'm hoping I don't blow it. I've never worked full-time and gone to class. Part-time, yes, but not full. I'm worried that either I'll crash and burn due to lack of sleep or fail due to being overwhelmed. Yup, June is going to be a fun month.

On top of school and work I have all the family obligations. Kids are going to visit grandparents in Mo. In reality I would rather keep them at home were I could protect them. But, then they lose any chance of building relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Unfortunately I'm dreading sending them up there. Especially my daughter, I'm counting on my sisters to watch over her but.............well this is a story for another blog. I'm thinking it may be the last summer or close to the last summer my dd will want to go up there as my mom has a history of not doing well with the pre-teen/teen sect and I don't want my girl hurt. Its very hard to look past old hurts and the thought of them being revisited upon your children is frightening. I'll just have to make it clear to my kiddies that at anytime they want to come home early they just have to call and I'll get them.

I got a call from my dad this morning and he's planning on coming up for a visit sometime late this summer. I haven't seen him since I was like 7 or so so this is exciting. He's retired and now has time to do some visiting and wants to come see us. It'll be great to see him and for him to finally meet his grandkids.

Anyway, sounds like it's going to be a busy summer and I should have lots of blog fodder to update here.

sky's the limit

Fish?

Okay I have nearly two freezers full of fish with the potential to have more by Monday(as Hubby and kiddies will most likely be fishing sometime between now and then, lol...despite the recent floods). So I'm needing to cook some and I really do not want to have a ton of deep fried fish. So anyone reading this have cheap and easy ways to cook bluegill, perch, crappie or drum (basically pan-fish) please post it in comments.

I'm Trying

I'm trying to redirect my sleeping habits. I want to be adjusted to the night schedule by the time classes start in June. So I'm working from 11p to 7a. Then go home take kiddies to school, back home take shower and attempt to stay up till 1:15, 1:30. This will be the approximate time I get home from class in June. Then sleep till about 3:30(kids come home...maybe a nod to them, curl up in the recliner while they snack on popcorn and watch cartoons/do homework till 4p when hubby comes home). Then get up spend time with family, fix dinner and all that good stuff. Then at 8pm when the kiddies go to bed, go lay down till about 9:30pm. Get up, shake off the sleep, spend the next hour getting ready for work. On weekends I plan on going home, shower and sleep till everyone else gets up and around. On my days off I go to bed and wake up at the usual times (bed around 9pm wake around 5:30am...unless a holiday or weekend then wake up around 7-8am). I think this will work as long as I'm creative with my homework times. Bringing homework to work, working on it while watching fam play video games, bringing it along when we go fishing...that kind of thing.

I'm trying to get my yard and garden(s) in order. I'm having the worst time using the yard equipment. I can't get the weedeater to run...when I do get it to run, it quits withing minutes. Hubby of course can get it to run perfectly on the first try. I couldn't get lawn mower to start. Hubby got it to start right up. I used the reel mower and the tiller instead. Reel mower has no engine, so I figured I couldn't break it. Hubby and FIL got tiller working and I had no problem tilling up another garden spot. No new flowers planted. I planted Better Boy tomatoes, corn, beans, carrots, lettuce mix, onions, broccoli and basil. We have some asparagus coming up, it looks rather scrawny. I think I'll have to do some reading on it to figure out what's normal. I have corn, beans, beets, kohlrabi, tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers coming up. Kids have peas coming up. Oh and garlic and stevia.

I'm trying to be patient. I'm waiting on a laptop I won of ebay to show up. I'm nervous because I've not received an email from the seller saying it's been shipped. I bought it a week ago today. I'm hoping it's been shipped and the seller just hasn't gone back to ebay to mark it as so. I'm waiting on financial aid for classes this summer. I'm thinking, from what I've read on the schools website, that it'll be after May 1st when I hear something. So I'll give them till the third, which happens to also be the date I'm giving the laptop to show up or the seller to email me before contacting ebay about getting my money back.

Win a 8gb iPod Touch and $15 iTunes gift card

Just visit Unexpected Bliss and follow the rules to enter. It would be a great Mother's day gift for yourself, your mom, aunt, sister or whomever. You have till May 3rd 2010 to enter. Good Luck :)

What a Beautiful Day

Not really...It's a cool 55 degrees with overcast and scattered rain showers. I'm just trying to be optimistic. Today is the only day I have off for the next seven. I'm switching from first shift(7a-3p) to third (11p-7a) this week and it changes my rotation meaning my next day off is next Monday. I feel tired just typing that. It'll be all good though, I'll have a great paycheck just in time to pay summer tuition.

I worked on a budget for May and June. I think I've got one that will work and it sees us having a small surplus by the end of June. I'm hoping as I go through the summer that surplus will increase enough to make the transition when I got part-time in the fall smoother. May will be a little tough, but the first month of a budget usually is.

I'm waiting on the financial aid office to see if I can get any help for summer. I hope so, as I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't. I'm hoping things work out.

Not much else to put on here right now really. Hope anyone reading this is having a blessed day.

Whew

I got up fairly early this morning; made banana-coconut muffins, made coffee, got boys up to go down to friend neighbor's house so she could watch them for me. Daughter was already there having stayed the night. I started to drive down the street to head to campus. Get to stop sign and look around realizing I forgot my directions. So I make a u-turn and go back to house to get said directions and other paper that has all the room numbers of people I needed to see. All right on the road now. I go down Danny Thomas and make a left on Poplar. Directions I had wrote down said to make a right on Patterson to go to the campus. Well, I'm looking...and looking, and looking. I keep driving thinking that surely I've passed it. I see White Station, yup I've passed it. So I stop at a gas station and get out my handy dandy cell phone. I MapQuest the college and low and behold I should of turned on another street before turning on Patterson. Okay no problem I just get back on Poplar and head back and find my destination. I see it's metered parking...Okay well, I had thought there was a parking attendant (assumed by the way the website read). No problem, website said dollar an hour right. Nope, it was a dollar for 30 minutes. Crap. So I put in what quarters I had and run in to find out where I need to go and to get some change. I run back out and put enough in for a hour (can only do one hour at a time). I hurry up to take the COMPASS test, worrying that I'm going to find a ticket on my windshield by the time I get done. As I finish I glance over at the wall...there's a sign saying you can go to parking services and get a vistor's permit for a dollar FOR THE WHOLE DAY. So I find out where this parking services is...of course it's on the other side of campus. I run back out to my vehicle and see the parking security looking at cars. Crap. I hurry up and put 30 more min back on the meter (it had just ran out). Then I huff it over to the parking services office and pay my dollar and get my sign to hang in the window. I then walk briskly back around to the parking lot (envious of everyone on bicycles....now there's an idea) and see that I have 5 min left on the timer. I put my sign up and breathe a sigh of relief and think it would of been great to know someone who attended The U of M so they could of pointed out these little things. Oh on a side note, I saw people playing Frisbee on the campus lawn. My thought was "Wow, they really do that" I thought it was just made up in movies, lol. Okay got all that squared away...now to hustle over and see if I can find and meet my advisor. I get to the chemistry building and wow my luck he's in his office. Of course my luck being what it is he has a class in 15 minutes. So we have a quick advising session and he says what I've picked out looks good for a start and if I ever want to go over in more detail what I need to do for the next few years let him know. He seems like a nice enough guy and is not pushy and telling me what he thinks i outta take. I like it when people realize I know my own mind. Then I ask a fellow student to clarify where the University Center building is and head over there to turn in financial aid papers. I've never seen so many people in one setting. There are students laughing, doing classwork, passing out pamphlets, rushing to where they need to be. I love it. I get everything turned in and head home to pick up the kiddies and register my classes. Only to find out I need to prove that I've had my MMR vaccination. No problem, I have my immunization record right........Crap. I do not know how I can hang on to a little piece of paper for 31 years only to lose it when I need it the most. So now I get to go over to the health department to get jabbed in the arm so that I can fully register for classes.

So my classes will be: For summer College Algebra and Elementary Spanish 1; For Fall General Chemistry 1, General Chem lab 1, literary Heritage, World Civilization 1, Elementary Calculus, and Fundamental Issues in Philosophy.

I have classes Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 8 am to 2:15pm and Tuesday, Thursday from 8:20 am to 12:45 pm. I have no idea when I'll be able to work. I'm hoping the new d.o.n. will let me do weekends. If not I may have to go part-time on second shift. I abhor that shift. She said she would work with me with school though so I'm hopeful. If not there are a couple of nursing homes in town that are hiring for weekenders and I can always try them.

I've got some much to do, to get together, before tomorrow morning. I need to study some math facts in case I do have to take the COMPASS exam in the morning (I'm hoping not, but I'm afraid they'll make me). I need to study(and print out) maps of the campus, because it's huge and I'll get lost. I need to make sure I have all my fin aid forms that are needed to be turned in so I can go to class this summer and in the fall. I need to make sure to write down the classes I'm hoping to take this summer and next fall for when I speak to my advisor tomorrow. I'm looking to spend a good 3 hours at least on campus tomorrow getting all this done. I want to get it done all in one shot though as I don't have gas or time to make several trips back and forth this week. I ought to see if I can find someone else from this area to carpool with. It's only a 30-35 min trip but it's a 30-35 min trip 5 days a week and that'll add up to some fuel usage.

Anyway, I've got so much to do and I sit here reading, playing with the kiddies (who are home on spring break this week) and cooking. One day I'll overcome this bad habit of procrastinating.

Have They Spoken?

Have the Fates answered my pleas for clarity? I'm hoping so. I got accepted to University of Memphis (Go Tigers!) for Chemistry/Biochem. I'm so anxious, excited, rearing to go, filled-with-dread and everything in between. Do I dare to dream? Do I hope for those two little letters to go behind my surname in 10 short years? Which two letters? Do I continue to fill pre-req's for a nursing program that is quickly losing interest to me and is seemingly not interested in me? Eventually I'll run out of pre-req's....actually that eventuality is near, I've only got around 3-4 more classes before I would HAVE to start taking nursing courses. Hmm that path is looking less appealing to me and the more I debate the more I'm leaning to the med school one. Then I have to decide on which doctor I want to be. I'm thinking about primary care/family doctor or pathology. Anyway, I'm just happy something is happening and I'm not hanging around in limbo any longer. I still have yet to hear from Baptist, I'm wondering if they've lost my address. Anyway, I'm about to the point of not caring.

Why?

Why; Karma, Fates, Goddess(es), God(s)? Whoever is looking through their looking glass at my life and putting all these detours, bumps and potholes on the road that is my life. Is it so that when I am finally able to do what is needed to reach my goals I appreciate it better? Was I that bad in a past life? Was my past life too easy? I'm sure there is a lesson for me to learn here...I know there is, but I just want an answer for once.

I called Keiser University last week asking about a transcript (that I had requested at least 4 times since the end of January). They told me it had been sent out the previous Friday. Cool, I'm thinking...I'll finally be able to start planning something (hinged on my getting accepted to University of Memphis, but I'm pretty optimistic about that). Today I get a call from my mom. I had received some mail from Keiser University at her address. Okay. I tell her to go ahead and open it, guess what it was. Yep, my freakin' transcript that was suppose to go to Memphis. Instead they sent it to an address I had not used in over 4 years. The mail lady knows my name and my mom lives down the road from where we used to live so she delivered it to her. Which is good, 'cause otherwise I don't know when I would of found out it didn't go where it was suppose to.

So, I make a call to the registrar's office and tell them they made a mistake and so they ask for the address for U of M. Really? You mean you don't have it lying around somewhere? Maybe on one of the 4 pieces of paper I have either mailed or faxed to you requesting that you send my transcript to Memphis, TN? No I didn't say all that. I thought it while I was talking to the lady on the other end of the phone. I'm too polite to say what I really think to them. What sucks is I'm going to have to do this ALL OVER AGAIN in three-four years when I apply to either graduate school(for NP) or med school(all depends on where I'm accepted in the next couple of weeks). I told my sister I ought to just go ahead and start the transcript request process...that way maybe it'll be there in time.

Hubby is working in Middle Tennessee area and is talking about dragging up and moving there. Bad thing is I think he's half serious. He misses hills and trees and houses/land seems cheaper there. I told him to give me four years. Of course he would want to move when I'm ready to start on my four year degree. I think he gets a two-year itch. It seems wherever we live, after about two years he starts wanting to move. I chalk it up to him being an army brat and they probably rarely lived in a house for more then two years. We will probably end up moving somewhere else, but I'm hoping he lets me finish at least the first half of what I'm wanting to do. There's a good med school in Nashville, I'd be happy as long as he's by my side...but let me feel like I'm going somewhere. I feel like such a loser at the moment, let me finish something (this applies to Karma, the Fates, Goddess(es) and God(s) as well. Please, Please let me finish SOMETHING).

An update, sorta

It's been over a month since my last post and really not a lot has happened since then. Probably why it's been a month, huh. Work has been kinda crazy....well work's the same it's the people I work with that are crazy. Monday we will have a new DON. Fun, fun...hopefully she doesn't change anything dramatically all at once. This place does better with baby steps, and she's gonna have a fight when she does try to change what needs changing. Not from me 'cause the place needs some changes, but some of the other employees will not like it.

Still waiting on acceptance letters (or reject letters, I really would like to know one way or the other). I got a letter in the mail from BCHS yesterday...was hoping for news, any news...but it's just a note saying that I meet admissions criteria and they are currently reviewing applications and will notify everyone the first week of April. Dammit. I'm waiting on Keiser to get of their hiney's and send my transcript over to Memphis so if I don't get in to BCHS I can begin working on plan B. Which is quickly becoming plan A, the more I think of it the more I want to do it. I'm thinking of going RN-Md though. That way I can work weekends or whatever and make more money to pay for school and bills so that Hubby doesn't have quite the burden.

Well gotta go kiddies are home and so I need to listen to how their day at school was. Hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful spring weather. 68 and sunny, gotta love it.

Hopes and Dreams and Food Challenge Update

I'm excited about this summer. I'm planning on attending University of Memphis(Go Tigers!) majoring in Chemistry with a concentration in BioChem and maybe a minor in Biology. This is all for my pre-med work. With luck, in 3-4 years I'll apply and be accepted into UT Memphis (Go Vols!) and be on my way to being a doctor. Then, if the fates smile upon me graciously, I'll get a residency in Memphis or near here. Or what the heck by then all the kids will be out of h.s. and maybe a change of pace will be due. Anyway hopefully, if all goes accordingly to plan(and Mice will tell you about the best laid plans of Men,right) I'll be Dr. Jackie in about 10-11 years.

I tell this to people I work with and they are like "Why? Just become a nurse and start working and earn money." Well I'm not in it for the money. I'm in it 'cause I love it. I love the bloody, messy, confusing, frantic, mundane, frustrating aspects of medicine. For years I've told people I wanted to be a nurse. But, the only reason I've wanted to be a nurse is 'cause I was scared of the time it took to be a doctor. Now, it doesn't really seem that long. So I'll be 41-42 when I start to practice. That's nothing when your used to seeing people ages ranging from 70-103. We also have a doctor who comes and sees pts at the nursing home who just turned 82. 82! That would be 40 years of practice if I started at 42. Most likely I'm looking at around 30 years of practice...that is a long time. A 30 year old car is an antique. I will be 47 when I reach my 30th wedding anniversary. 30 years is a good long time.

I'm not worried about the time or cost of school. Nothing I can do about either. It's more important to go into a career that I'm confident I'll love(at least 80% of the time) and not tire of(much). Nursing is a great career, but I never wanted to just be a RN I wanted to be a FNP(family nurse practitioner). That's 8 years of school...so whats as couple more years. I'm not old and as long as I have a will to continue learning I'll never be old.

Okay enough of that. Here's my Food Challenge update: Thrown away; leftover chicken wings, one slice of pizza, small baggie of cabbage. Not too bad. Not zero, but we've done worse and I'm glad I'm doing this challenge and making myself aware of what we waste.

Food Challenge Check-in

I've been doing the Food Waste Reduction Challenge from the Crunchy Chicken blog. So far so good...the only wasted thing was about a quarter gallon of milk(maybe not even that much) that has gone past its expiration date. Everything else has either been used the next day for my lunch at work or remade into a different meal a day or two later. For example, chili was turned into chili dogs then used later in a baked nachos dish that went over well. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes and gravy was partially used as my lunch and a cabbage roll casserole type dish(again that went over real well too). All in all I'm pleased with the results and hope to continue to do well in this challenge.

I'm going to try a challenge

I decided to try Crunch Chicken's Food Waste Reduction Challenge 2010. I think it'll be interesting to see how I can utilize leftovers (reuse or freeze for later use) and keep from throwing away spoiled food that has been forgotten in the fridge. You can read all the rules for the challenge at the link above or the link in the sidebar. I need to make myself a rule, if I freeze something I need to use it within two weeks...because if I don't I'm likely to end up with lots of mystery meals in the deep freezer.

Making Plans

Well, I've been making plans in case I don't get accepted into the nursing program for next fall. Yesterday I filled out an application for University of Memphis with a Major in Chemistry. I plan on doing a Major in Chemistry w/ a concentration in Biochemistry with possibly a minor in Biology. What does that all have to do with nursing? Not much. I've decided that if I don't get into the nursing program then I'll switch and go for medicine. The new requirements for a Nurse Practitioner (has to have a doctorate now) takes 7-8 years. To be a doctor in Family medicine takes 10-11 years. 3 years, to me, is not that big of difference. So I decided to reach for the brass ring and, all subject to me not being accepted into the nursing program, go for the MD. To be honest with myself, I would probably make a better doctor then a nurse. I have a tendency to strive for more autonomy then allowed. I will be in my 40s when all's said and done....but that still gives me at about 30 years or more to practice. 10 years...my youngest son and I will be graduating at the same time, him high school and me college. We'll have to through a heck of a graduation party.

Hubby has said he doesn't mind...he said if he hasn't minded about me going to school the past 10 years (on and off) why would he mind another 10. I have such a great hubby...now he better make sure to stay on top of the buildings he's working on from now out(yesterday he took a tumble..managed to catch himself, but the thought of him falling is terrifying and I don't like reminders of how dangerous his job is.)

I'll post more when I know more. Now I'm off to print out transcript requests to send to the 3 other colleges I've attended so that I'll be ready for U of M this summer (Go Tigers!).

Hello 2010!

It's been a year...not a great year, not a bad year just a year. I took some classes and tried to get into a nursing program but was rejected due to lack of space. My youngest son had surgery on his ear. I now have two children in middle school and two in elementary. My oldest son is now a teenager. That is about it for 2009. Nothing spectacular happened but nothing super traumatic either. I guess it's kinda nice in a way to have it that way. I hope that 2010 sees me going into a nursing program. Even if that doesn't happen I will go back to school in August if nothing else just to pursue another degree. I've came to the decision that if I do not get accepted in to Baptist College I'll try for Memphis' nursing program. If I'm not accepted into that one then I will pursue another career choice and will decide that perhaps nursing is not for me even though it is a dream...I guess sometimes our dreams can lead us down a wrong path. Don't know, not gonna dwell on that at the moment will think on it more IF I happen to get to that particular fork in the road.

As for new year resolutions, I wasn't going to make any. I since decided why not. It helps me to have a goal...even if I only stick with it a short time. So for 2010:

1. I want to continue to gain knowledge on how to be healthier and try harder to implement that knowledge in mine and my family's life. I'm looking for that Aha moment. That information that I believe I can use and stick with that my family will like.

2. I want to finish my projects. I have a number of knitting and woodburning projects started or at least in the planning stage that I have yet to finish. I want to start finishing what I start.

3. I want my garden to succeed this year. Past two years I ended up letting my garden go to weeds due to lack of attention from my part. This year I'm going to make myself tend to it on a regular basis.

4.Paint my house. I'm tired of white walls, it's my home I want it to reflect mine and my family's personalities.

5. I would like to put be more organized on here but I don't know if that has a chance of happening. I would like to start small though. Buying hanging files so that I can keep important papers where I can find them if needed. Getting an in and outbox for kiddies school papers that need to be signed or shown to me. Seeing the top of my desk would be nice as well. If I can do that then I think I can start on organizing the rest of my life, lol.

Well that's a good start I think. Some of my resolutions are repeats of prior years so I really outta add to actually finish my resolutions...but I think I've said that before. Anyway I hope everyone reading this has a blessed 2010 and may all your hopes and dreams for the year come true.