Friday, May 06, 2011

I Feel Like Such a Failure

I really do, my posted grades so far look like this A, D, A, B+...with a possible A- and B(?) soon to be posted. That D that is just screaming at me is in General Chemistry I.  Yep I failed, again.  It's a bit better then last semester, but it's still not a passing grade.  I need at least a C- to pass, to move on...I failed to do that.  Why am I struggling so much?  I know it's partly(mostly) my fault.  There were some online homework sets that I didn't do that may of been enough to bring me to passing.  I didn't do them because I kept missing the deadlines.  The professor would open one on, say, Wednesday afternoon at 1pm.  Then close it on Monday at 8am.  The next one would be open on a Friday at 8am and close the next Friday at 2pm.  There was no, (shoot what word am I thinking of), no set schedule of when homework would be assigned and when it would be due.  Sometimes he didn't tell us until the day it was due that he had opened it up.  One homework set was opened and due within a couple hours of it being opened.  So I missed nearly half of the assignments because of that. I would go to the website to check and find out I had missed the cutoff by minutes.
Will I try again? Yes, I cannot let that grade set on my record.  I've read of med students who took Gen Chem 4 or 5 times and still got accepted, but I'm not sure I'll be that fortunate.  I've got so much not going for me.  Sometimes I feel like I picked too big a mountain to climb.  Just finishing my bachelor's and giving up that dream sometimes looks good.  I will feel like shit if I do that (to put it bluntly).  I'll have to live my life knowing I failed.  I'll live the rest of my life feeling like I failed not only myself, but my husband, my children, my family, my coworkers, my friends.  Also those future patients who I dreamed of making their lives easier, healthier, better.  At this point I think Atlas has less weight on his shoulders then I do.

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