Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Future is Coming Fast

My kiddies are getting older. One going to high school, 2 in middle school and the youngest in the 4th grade.  I know it won't be long before they're moved on and Hubby and I are empty nesting.  I was thinking about this and thinking back to last summer were we had 4 kid-less weeks.  Those weeks sucked.  The house was too quiet with out the kids around.  As the time progressed Hubby and I got to were we didn't say much to each other.  We weren't mad or anything. Just, with out the kids, we didn't have anything to discuss. The kids have became such a big influence in our lives that when it's just the two of us we are at a lost. A lost for words, a lost for action, a lost for anything.
A couple nights ago I asked Hubby the question: "Are we gonna make it when the kids move out?"  We have little in common. We like a lot of the same music and movies.  Our differences outweigh our similarities, though.  He likes to fish, I can take it or leave it (most of the time rather leave it).  He plays video games, most of my time is spent reading(everything, anything).  I want to get back into sports and being more active.  I'm teaching myself and the kids tennis. I'm getting back into running. I would like to join the adult softball league here.  Hubby doesn't want to do much on weekends but fish.  I have my studies, my pyrography, my carving, my knitting, my drawing, world of warcraft and various other hobbies I pick up and put down on a regular basis.  Hubby fishes, plays Xbox, works, talks to his family/friends on the phone, plays a few computer games and not much more.  He says he would get more into sports but he's too tired after work.  I know he's tired, I know he's been getting more aches and pains lately.  That's not really what all I was referring to when I asked my question.  I don't want to spend 30-40 years with someone I love, but don't talk to, don't do stuff with.  His answer is usually gonna be(and has been) "well you can go fishing with me." Hunny, love you but fishing is rather boring to me.  I'll go a few times a year (I bring a couple magazines and books, my camera, my cellphone and sometimes knitting for something to do) but I can't say I really enjoy it.  I like being outside, but  if I'm outside with someone I kinda want to be able to communicate with that person.  Ever fish with someone who's watching 3 different poles? Ever try to hold a conversation with them?
I know we have a pretty strong love and that should hold us.  I just know there's a big test of it coming up and I hate going in unprepared.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Finally Friday

It's been kind of a screwed up week. Hubby worked from 2pm to 9am Sunday/Monday, which screwed up with my sleep schedule as well because I just don't sleep well when he's not home.  Tuesday was fairly normal. Wednesday I woke up super tired due to developing a bad headache at 2am, so I missed school as I felt I was too tired to drive in.  Thursday got up got the kiddies together to take to my friends house so I could go to class.  I get there and knock on the door, nothing.  The kiddies knock on the door, nothing.  I send a text, no reply.  Knock again, now I'm starting to get worried.  Another text, no reply.  Call no answer...okay well sometimes she doesn't answer her phone. Call again, no answer leave message.  After about 20 minutes of standing, waiting, texting, knocking, calling I decide that I'll just take the kids home.  I figure I'll try calling later to check on her, because now I'm worried that maybe something happened to her daughter or fiance or her.  It's too late for me to leave to make it to class in time (I don't like being one of those people who walk in 20-30 minutes late).
Turns out she was home as was her daughter.  She(or her daughter) just, for some reason, hadn't heard us at the door.  She felt really bad, I wasn't too worried or upset sometimes things happen.  So now I'm getting ready to head for class, feeling kinda lost because I've missed two this week and hoping I can catch up without too much trouble.  I have a quiz on Monday and need a good grade on that.  No Civl Air Patrol meetings this weekend, no baseball practices so should be able to get some studying in. I hope.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

See That Right There? That's My Last Nerve.

My beautiful, smart, eccentric, creative daughter.  The little girl I always wanted the Hallmark mother-daughter relationship with.  The young woman who I used to dream that would we would be closest confidants.  Is driving me crazy.  We've never been super close.  That don't mean I don't love her, that she isn't a big part of my world. It's just I don't think either of us know how to be close to each other.  Probably mostly my fault, I didn't teach her how.  How could I? I was never taught either.  There is an awful circle between mothers and daughters in my family. I've mentioned it before or at least alluded to it.  I tend to break it, but don't know how. I don't know if my daughter's personality/behaviors will even allow it to be broken.
My daughter has always had anger issues.  They seem to be getting worse.  Today she threw a can of carrots in a general direction at her brothers.  She was mad because her turn was past being over on the Xbox.   So in retaliation she picks up a can of carrots and chucks it hitting the video chair my middle son was sitting in. An inch higher and I would of been on my way to the e.r. to have him checked for concussion.  She claimed she didn't mean to throw it.  I'm big on people owning their actions/behaviors. If you picked up the can and threw it, you meant it.  Did you mean for anyone to get hurt or potentially get hurt? I don't know, but somewhere you had to know that there was a chance of that happening.
Can I talk to my daughter about her anger control issues? Only to a very small extent.  She has a tendency to blame everyone else for her actions. Again, I believe you're responsible for your own actions.  This leads to an argument which leads to a verbal fight and I get frustrated and have to leave so I can chill.  My husband can talk to her, it doesn't always usually do any good.  She knows what he wants to hear "Yes dad I'll stop" and is happy with it.  Then the next day she goes on doing what she wants.
  I want to teach her how to and when to stop and chill out and calm herself.  However she refuses to listen to me. So I'm thinking it's getting time to get professional help, a counselor that maybe can teach her.  I'm terrified that she'll hurt her brothers one day.  I'm terrified that she wouldn't have any regret for causing them pain.  She shows no regret now when she verbally and physically abuses them.  She told me the other day she feels it's okay to treat family like this.  She doesn't behave like this around people she doesn't live with.  Teachers, friends, other family members and everyone else say she's kind, compassionate, friendly.  So in her mind it's okay to treat those who love you the most like shit as long as you're nice to everyone else.  A lot of this I feel is my fault.  I shouldn't of let her have a relationship with her granny.  Her granny thinks it's okay to treat family like crap. Her granny thinks it's okay to embarrass and hurt the feelings of those who love you as long as you find it funny.  For example: the other night my daughter decided to start teasing me because I didn't have my teeth in.  I told her that I would like for her to stop because needing dentures in my early 30s is not something I'm proud of and I didn't need her to point out what I look like with out them.  She doesn't seem to understand that it hurts to tease others.  She knows what it feels like to be teased, she knows what that it makes you feel rotten.  However she seems to forget that when she's teasing someone else. Again, it's only the 5 of us she does this to.
Some days I feel like I'm at my wit's end.  I feel like though I love my daughter, I don't like her very much.   Time to go reinforce that last nerve because I'm determined not to lose it.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

It's the Longest Day of the Year

Summer Solstice is here, Litha.  My favorite season is finally starting (though it's felt like summer for the past month already).  I'm going to celebrate by planting veggies in my garden (if the rain holds off), going for a run and trying to spend as much time as I can outside. It's not suppose to be super hot today (upper 80s compared to the upper 90s we've had recently). It's overcast and the wind is blowing. Not the prettiest day but probably the most comfortable.
I've got some pretty blooms showing off now and I'll take a picture for wordless wednesday tomorrow.  My gladiolus are finally beginning to bloom. I have a dark purple one that's open now and it's so pretty and pleasant to see when I pull in my drive or even just step outside.  I wish I knew why my flowers seem to bloom about a week or two after everyone else's around here does. It's frustrating to see their irises, daffodils, lillies etc. bloom and mine are still just green leaves.  Then when I'm about to give up I finally see some color.  My guess it's the trees we have here and some of my flowers are in less then ideal growing conditions.  Maybe there's something about my soil, I don't think anything has been grown in it until we moved in.  I guess it could just be Mother Nature trying to teach me patience.  Oh well, as long as I see my pretties it's okay that they show  a bit late. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

My pretty lilies. I don't remember the name of the them though.

For more Wordless Wednesdays go HERE

Friday, June 10, 2011

Father's Day

June 19th is Father's day. I was thinking of sending my father a card and I'm hesitant to do so.   All the cards I've read so far have thank you for being a great dad, or thank you for being there all my life type writings in them.  My father wasn't there when I was a kid. I saw him once when I was about 7. Then in my early twenties I found him again and sent him a letter and now we communicate via facebook, email and telephone.  So really my father has only been in my life for the last 10 years (maybe not quite that long). I still haven't seen him, except in pictures. He's never met his grandkids or son-in-law.  I have yet to see a card that says I'm glad you're back in my life Dad. My father didn't teach me to ride my bike (my brother did), tie my shoes (I think my brother did that too), fish (my brother again), drive a car (my grandpa and husband), or any of the other million things that father's usually teach their children.  I either learned from watching others, reading books or my brother, grandpa or husband taught me.  My father wasn't there when I got married, not even sure he knew I was getting married. I wanted my brother to give me away, however since he and our mother do not speak I gave the honors to my grandpa.
I probably won't be giving my father anything for father's day. I'll probably send him an email or post on his facebook wall "Happy Father's Day". Basically acknowledging that he is my father.  I just don't really have the history with him needed to send a sappy Hallmark card.